I am their mom. And that's all they want.

Today as Lucy napped, I checked Facebook for updates from friends. My sister-in-law shared this link to a wonderful post and I realized I need to stop procrastinating and get back to blogging. Okay, that has NOTHING to do with the post itself, but it made me want to get back on here and write a bit.

I checked on Lucy and this is how I found her- peaceful in dreamland.

My heart is happiest when one of the following occurs: 1. I see my children sleeping, 2. I hear my children laughing and giggling, or 3. I am with Travis and we have some good quality alone time. And I suppose I could add #4. when one of my family members succeeds at something or progresses in some way. I mention these things that bring me the most happiness, because the people who bring me the most happiness also have the ability to really test me and push my capacity to handle the trials of life more than other things. For the most part. Funny how that works? I suppose it's no coincidence!

I have been thinking a lot lately about being a mom. It is such a heavy responsibility. I know that is probably a bad adjective to use. But I can't help but feel the weight of my role as a mother. And a mother of girls. There are many other words I could use, too, that are much more "sunny" and "cheerful" when it comes to describing motherhood. But somehow...life gets in the way too often. (If that even makes sense?)

When I read the article on Power of Moms (which is a phenomenal site that I visit from time to time- if you don't, you should...) I knew that was exactly what my kids want. They want ME. The honest, imperfect, goofy mom that is ME- despite my flaws (and there are many). Too often I lie down at night feeling like I have failed at being their mom that day. I fall asleep asking my Heavenly Father to give me the strength and insight I need to be a better mom, to be what my girls need me to be. Then I realize how forgiving these sweet girls are. They love me no matter what. I know I have the children I have because they will be the ones to teach me the things I need to learn and grow.

I loved General Conference a couple weeks ago, because there was one talk in particular that I hope to benefit from as a mom and learn to be better. I was talking with someone recently about how hard I thought it was; being a parent. How hard kids are, in general. And this person's opinion was that how your children act or are isn't an indication of how good of a parent you are necessarily (although I do think a child's behavior is linked to how they are parented, at least in part)...she said that they come to us how they come to us. Spirits with their own personalities and level of difficulty, with their own "issues". And this was her opinion because she knows some phenomenal moms with really difficult children or who face trying circumstances relating to their kids.

As for each of us having unique dispositions, I do know that is true. We each have our own personalities. So I suppose that does play a role. But it dawned on me. We are NOT given more than we can handle. My girls came to me with personalities suited for my capabilities and limits as a mom. Perhaps "limits" isn't the right word. I just mean that I won't face more than I can handle as their mom. And I will face the things I am supposed to so that I can learn the things I need to in this particular role as a mom. There are days (many of them) that I feel like my kids are so. darn. HARD. (for me). Then I get around other people and their children and all of a sudden I am extremely grateful for my own kids and our challenges. Instead of thinking "My kids are gonna be the death of me!" I can stop and be grateful and realize they aren't, in fact, so difficult. Compared to most, I am able to see that my kids are pretty easy. And I think most moms feel this way. They have days like I do when they are at their wits end with their own children...but when it comes down to it and they can see and experience other children, they would pick their own kids, their personalities, and struggles or situations. As I said, I realize often my kids are pretty "easy"...in fact, this same person who felt kids come to us as they are and will be- raised 7 wonderful children and I said to her, "I don't know how you did it I don't think I could ever handle 5...or 7. (NO we aren't going to have 5 anyway). And she said something like, "Five like yours would be easy!") And I thought sure, it would be easy for someone with different limits and capabilities than my own.

This motherhood thing is on my mind all the time. It is easy to get distracted. It is easy to feel overwhelmed. Especially because that mom who lives down the street seems to have it together and does it all with ease. I said "seems" because let's be honest...no one and I mean no. one. has it all together and can do it all. Even those seem-to-be "supermoms" out there (we all know at least one of those, right?). No one is perfect. Just because it seems a certain way doesn't mean that is how it really is. As I type, lyrics from a song from an old Strawberry Shortcake episode/movie (?) come to mind, "Sometimes things aren't what they seem to be." And that is what I have to tell myself. If this "supermom" always has her kids hair done to perfection, their outfits clean and perfectly coordinated and is involved in the community and her kids are in three activities each AND she runs 10 miles a day...well, let's just say something else, somewhere is lacking. AND THAT'S OKAY. We all have areas where we excel and areas that can use some work. That is just how this mortal existence is. We are here to learn, grow, develop talents and skills, and be tried so we CAN learn and grow.

Some moms have the time management thing down to perfection. Some just have the "perfect" balance in certain areas that I can't seem to figure out. Sometimes I am a total drill sergeant with my kids, other times I hover too much (helicopter parent, anyone?), and sometimes I care too much if my kids' friends see me as a "fun" mom...but none of this matters!! If anyone was perfect in all aspects then what is the point?! I am so grateful that I have realized this and I have that perspective. We should each be trying. Everyday we can try. Try harder, try to be better, try to improve where it is needed. Seek to reach the "right" balance for ourselves. Some days will be better than others. Sometimes we will just plain fail. It's okay to have those days...as long as we don't let those days chew us up and swallow us into depths of despair and as long as we don't give up. Our kids don't expect perfection. They just want us.

I am glad I can accept myself and even say that most days, I know I am trying and that is what counts. Flaws and all. If someone else doesn't like me that doesn't matter. My kids like me. I like me. Those are the things that matter. As I type -they are outside doing the following:

They have been asking to paint for months and I finally figured, "What the heck? Let them paint...but let them do it outside." :) And then Izzy said what she always does when I let her do something she wants to do or something fun...she says, "You're the best mom ever!" And if she thinks that is true, that is good enough for me.

While the older girls paint, here is Lucy...wishing she could be out there doing what they are doing. This girl loves all things that are related to her big sisters. No one can make her laugh like the girls can. And she makes a bee-line for their bedroom if we are upstairs.

I have such a bad memory and there are so many thoughts that run through my head on this topic of being a mom. I will never get out all that I feel and think. I wish I were better at writing. But I am not a writer...I am not witty or entertaining but I don't blog to be those things. My blogging has always been more about journaling a few parts of our family life. There are many things I leave out because I have forgotten or not photographed them. And I want to be better. I want to keep this record for my girls. I want them to know I love being their mom and I know it is my most important job, right now especially. And I know that where I am right now, it is where I should be and I know that I am enough for my girls. I am enough. But I will keep trying to be better, too.

Current pics of the girls

I can't believe it has been over 3 months since I last posted. Where is time going? I think I say that at the beginning of each post I write. Really, I WANT to get back on the blogging train...it's just overwhelming to think of how much I haven't posted about!

The girls are getting big! Especially Lucy. Riley is still loving kindergarten. She is learning so much and it's very exciting. Izzy is starting to read a little bit. She isn't as motivated as Riley was. She is my laid-back kid. So I don't push her too much. We just sit down and sound out some really simple three letter words for now. She needs help with a few letter sounds still...but it is coming. She does get easily bored and disinterested. One thing she can do much better than Riley could starting out is blending the sounds together to say the word. Riley would say the letter sounds over and over and over...and I would have to help blend them for her to get the word. Izzy on the other hand hears each of the sounds once and voila! She knows the word. It's fun to see little minds at work.

I try to document the funny things the girls say. Sometimes as facebook statuses other times in these little notebooks I have started for each of them. It isn't enough. I know there is so much I don't record...but oh well!!

Lucy is 8 months now. She is crawling all over, sometimes even pulling to standing ....she can wave, say "mama" and "dada" and click her tongue. The is so fun! I can't get enough of her. I love the baby stages and milestones. I am still trying to soak it in...knowing babyhood will all too soon be over and toddlerhood, though fun, just doesn't compare.

The holidays were wonderful. The magic and excitement of Christmas with kids is the best. I loved that Christmas fell on a Sunday. We got up, went to church and then came home and had Christmas morning. That is how it should be every year.

Lame attempt at an update. But it's something, right? Hopefully more to come. NOT in three months, either!

Lucy's Newborn pics

...5 months late. But as the saying goes, "Better late than never", right?? Thanks to our good friend Justin for his amazing photography talents :)



I love how she is peeking in this picture!





So teeny-tiny and precious.

And 5 months later:

Time flies when you're having fun, and this girl has added a lot more fun to our lives :) I'm not even sure how the past 5 months have flown by so quickly. But I guess it's because Lucy and everything else has kept me busy, busy, busy. And can I just say as much fun as it is, baby #3 was by far the biggest, hardest adjustment ever. The good news is I think we are gonna make it! Slowly but surely I am adapting to the new "normal" for us. It feels good to be a family of 5!

Lucy's Letter

I don't know if this is like the other girls' letters...at least I feel like it's different. I have sort of been putting it off, because I am full of many emotions for my baby.

Lucy,

I am trying to savor every moment; every gaze you share, every smile and giggle...

I keep hoping time will slow down- that life will allow me to be lazy (even lazier than I already am) and ignore my housework and other responsibilities.

No matter how much I really am soaking it up, basking in the wonderful-ness of you, my baby...time is flying, the seconds keep slipping away. Sometimes I feel a little guilty because I am very aware of your sisters watching me love and adore you. I have to then tell them, I used to do this with them, too. So they know how much I love them. I just hope that they understand. I love all my girls so much. But there is nothing in the world like a baby. Like your own baby. And babies only stay small for such a brief time. Nothing compares to this. Someday you will know. Someday you will be calling me, crying because your baby is growing and changing too quickly. I know, because I call my mom. I always tell her (and I did with your sisters as well) that you are growing so fast.

I don't mean for this to sound sad. I know this is what is supposed to happen. I know you are supposed to grow and learn and change. But I can't help that my heart is literally breaking. It aches. I can't breathe. The sadness I feel with the passage of time- that reality is suffocating lately. You are so precious. You are so loved. Don't grow up! What if you are my last baby? Can't I keep you that way--a baby? I will never feel satisfied with "no more babies" but I also don't really want more, or can't imagine more at this time. I know we all have limits and I think this might be mine. I want there to be enough of me to go around. Enough of me that you, and your sisters, and your dad all feel like you get enough of me and my time and my love. It's a tricky thing...life. But wonderful, too. Maybe I don't want you to grow up too quickly because the adoration you show me is so evident in those blue eyes of yours. I feel needed and loved more than I ever have before. And I know all too soon, these days will be gone. You won't always NEED me in the sense that you are dependent upon me. (Then I have to get real and remind myself that you don't really need me now, either.) I think I have realized lately that my love language isn't necessarily one of the 5 love languages in the book, but that I need and want to be needed...and no one makes me feel needed more than you, Lucy. And all too soon you will become more and more independent with each passing month...just like your sisters have done. Right now I can make everything right for you. I won't always be able to do that. But being a mom of a baby is so simple. I have the ability to make you feel loved and happy and solve your problems. And I want you to know that when I can't fix things for you in the future, I wish I could. And I will always love you more than you can wrap your mind around. (this is another thing you will understand when you are a mom yourself) Part of me has put off this letter for the last month because it might sound so sad, or like I am depressed. I am not really. I promise. You have brought so much more joy to my life than I already had. I know I am so blessed. I am blessed beyond what I deserve and yet all my selfish self wants is to be able to keep you small longer, forever. I know that our real purpose is to come to this earth and grow and go through many experiences- some that are tough, some that are tougher than you can imagine, and also that we might experience the most amazing, wonderful things that life has to offer. It is not always easy. Most of the time it isn't easy. But it is all good. It is a beautiful thing, to be able to realize that despite trials, the lessons learned are well worth it. I hope you can learn to have that mentality about experiences as you go through your life.

It's hard for me to say much else in this letter. In future letters I am sure I will have many fun things to record about your personality.

Although you do have a big personality already. You are rolling all over the place and I know before long I will blink and you will be crawling and sitting up on your own. You like to squeal and hear the sound of your own voice. I love those baby squeals. You are so willing to share with me those big, gummy grins. My heart bursts with happiness when you look and smile at me. I love that you will find me from across the room and try to keep track of me with your eyes. The way a baby adores their mom is an out-of-this-world kind of feeling. Yes, I am savoring it. Enjoying every minute I can of your babyhood. There are other things that distract me from it of course, but I am able to bring myself back into the moments and soak it up.

You are lucky to have two big sisters who ADORE you. Oh! They won't leave you alone. They won't get out of your face! I am telling you this because sometime in the future, you will do the same thing to them and they will get annoyed and mad-but really they love you. They will be your best friends forever. Even through the times that it doesn't seem that way.

I love you, my baby. Our little "goosey". I'm so happy you are part of our family. So thrilled that words can't really express the happiness.

Love,

Mommy

Sisters

They each have their own look. And 3 different colored sets of eyes. Riley's are brown, Izzy's hazel, and Lucy's blue.

Who do you think they look like? We have heard every combination. I have had people tell me Izzy looks like Travis, that Riley looks like him, and even that Lucy looks like him. (But I have only heard that about Lucy twice). To me, there is no mistaking that Izzy looks like him. Oh my gosh. I look at that girl and see her dad. Always.

Then I have heard that each of them look like me. I recently had someone tell me about Izzy, "She looks just like you, Jenna." Which was so funny to me because as I said, I see all Travis. I have never really seen myself in the older two. But when Lucy came along, I remember Trav handing her to me at the hospital after her bath and asking me if it was like looking in a mirror. And it was...a little bit in a weird way. I just saw more of me and my side of the family. As she has grown and changed (as babies do) I still see more of me in Lucy, but she is definitely just another good mixture of us. We have beautiful babies :)

October thus far

Look at me, trying to be all caught up with my blogging. Ha.

October has been busy. (Then again, isn't every month?!) We spent a week in Las Vegas as a family and a couple days with all my siblings as well as my paternal grandparents and Dad and Rachel. This was such a great opportunity for us to get together. The last time all 5 siblings were together was July 2008. Izzy was just a baby and Brad wasn't even married yet. Now we have two new little girls in the picture, Kim, and Alyce and Maria's significant others. Fun times!

In case you were wondering, yes- I am the shortest one of the bunch :P

Two family pictures in one week. That's some kind of record :) The M&M Store on the Strip

In other news, we decided to put our house up for sale. It isn't exactly a great time to be selling. It IS however a great time to be buying and building. Which is what we would love to do IF we can sell this house. We sort of have plans for something in the works. But it may fall through if our home doesn't sell in the next 3-5 months. Which we are very aware may not happen. I am prepared for whatever. I figure what's meant to be will happen. We are so blessed either way.

With Halloween approaching Travis is trying to out-do himself by making a bigger and better costume than last year's. (Remember THIS?) Hey- it won him $1,000. Therefore designing the perfect costume this year cannot be taken lightly. Last year he spent about two weeks on it. This year he got started at the beginning of October with the building process. Which means coming up with an idea was in the months leading up to it. STAY TUNED FOR PICTURES :)

Being the mean mom that I am Lucy got her ears pierced last Friday. At 4 1/2 months old. Izzy had hers done at 5 months and Riley at 6 months. I kept saying I would do it earlier with Lucy and almost missed the opportunity. This kid does so well with her immunizations. She hardly cries and never needs tylenol. I figured ear piercing would be no big deal. Man was I wrong. She was the biggest drama queen. She cried more than the other two which was shocking. The good news is that just an hour or so later she was back to her usual self and giggling and happy. Her ears have looked great. I have always said if any of my babies ears had looked red/painful/ etc. for more than a few hours or anything like that I would promptly remove the earrings but thankfully all 3 have done well. Just before...and just after, being consoled by a bottle.But just look how cute they look!And she's happy :) My pretty little baby...I can't get enough of this face. I was thinking that the other day and that's when the chorus of Smash Mouth's "I Can't Get Enough of You, Baby" started playing in my head. Random.
Also in October I started Lucy on rice cereal (to my dismay). Let me explain. The other two girls started it right at 4 months. But also right at 4 months I stopped nursing Riley and Izzy. My experience breastfeeding was pretty miserable. This time around, I spent my whole pregnancy telling myself this time would be different. I was determined to make it work and feel better about it. And it has been (mostly) successful. I have had a way better experience and wanted to hold off on any "solids" aka MUSH for as long as possible...say, 6 months? But Lucy was ready. She watches us eat and chomps on everything and just seemed ready. Not to mention my milk alone has not been able to satisfy her. She has one bottle each night before bed. I introduced bottles with all three girls right away, that way if I ever needed to be away from them, they could still eat. So the routine has been that Lucy gets a small supplement of formula each night. But even with that, she was ready for more. I also feel like my milk supply has been really low this time around. Maybe it is because of the bottles, I don't know. Regardless, I nurse her as often as I can if I am at home during the day. I am still determined to keep going with it as long as she seems happy and wants to go with it. My goal is 8-9 months. I have already outlasted myself the first two times...so I see it as success either way. I wanted to hold off on cereals and baby foods to keep her my "baby" a little longer. The minute the first two started eating baby foods, they grew chubbier and bigger even faster. I don't want that to happen!!! It's sad! They don't stay small long enough as it is!


The below video clips are of Lucy's first attempt at rice cereal, Riley making Lucy's laugh in the van on the way home from getting her ears pierced, Lucy's second attempt at cereal, and Lucy enjoying her bottle. She GRABS it from our hands most nights. We are impressed. She still can't really hold it on her own. She can, but she doesn't hold it up enough/at the right angle to eat. I love holding her and feeding her anyway and she is too little to need to know how to do it on her own. Still, sometimes it's fun to see her try things for herself.

Lastly, Izzy FINALLY got her first haircut. That's right, she is almost 4 and NEVER had ANY trims or anything. I love long hair on little girls. But let's be honest...it was getting a little ratty on the end. That fine, tangled baby hair and those sweet curls had to go. The first picture is just after a bath and we had blow-dried her hair so the curls aren't even there. But she still had them, if we let it air dry. a few really good ringlets. So that's why I have been putting this off...I will miss the curls.
Yes-her jeans are on backwards. LOL. This girl puts everything on backwards or wrong. Her shoes are often on the wrong feet. Almost daily we have to turn at least one item of clothing around. As you can see, her hair wasn't even, it was a few inches shorter in front.


Much better :)

Back to September (& August, too)

(Not sure why this photo is rotated. It isn't in my folders and I even deleted it and uploaded again but it STILL came out this way...and that has never happened before!)

Things have been busy as usual around here. It's so funny how when you add a new little person to your family how all of a sudden it's like they have always been a part of the family and you can't even remember life before them. At least that's how it goes for me. It's sort of sad, I don't remember not having children. I don't even remember what it was like with just one or two. On the other hand, it's okay. I know this is how our life should be :) Since Lucy was born it's such a blur. I can't remember life without her and yet these first months are passing too quickly.

In an effort to catch up a bit I just wanted to post some Lucy pictures & videos from September.

September brings football season. And I love me some Pittsburgh Steelers football. I have to say Lucy wasn't too impressed with the first game of the season. And who can blame her? That was just embarrassing! But she still sported her Steeler colors anyway :)

Football season also means watching some Cougar Football. We watched the first couple games of the season at John and Dana's. Here are Tyce and Lucy in their Cougar colors :)


Lucy watches the games intently for a little while :)
Lucy's first giggle was back in August. Since then we are getting more and more laughs out of her but also a new thing is how vocal she is becoming. These two videos are of her using her little voice :) I love how babies discover they can make noise and then just love the sound of their own voices! I think you can tell from the clips, but this girl is a pretty content baby. We are so lucky. Don't get me wrong, girlfriend can have her moments. She is mostly happy if she has attention and if mom (or anyone, really) is holding her. She sleeps pretty well. Not as good as Riley did but better than Izzy in those first long colicky months that Izzy had. She goes down most often around 9:30-1o pm and wakes up once to eat sometime between 3:30 and 4:30. I am up with her for maybe 20 minutes and I lay her back down and she goes back to sleep for a few hours. I almost always lay her down awake and she will go to sleep on her own, NEVER fussing. All the girls have pretty much done that with the exception of Izzy during the first fussy months we had. I love that my babies look forward to bed time and can put themselves to sleep and I am a firm believer they can usually learn that early on. Lucy has maybe cried 3 nights out of the 3 1/2-4 months since I put her in her own room. And if she is crying, I know she just isn't quite ready. She LOVES her crib.

Below, Travis gets Lucy really giggling. This wasn't the first time she had laughed, but a first decent time caught on camera. It was at the end of August. And there are a few pictures from August as well.

Izzy giving her goofy smile.
Girls in matching dresses from Grandma Barb.
Cousins at the park
Family picture. I have been trying to take more of these lately. I really do not like photos of myself, but I do know it is important to have some of me with the girls and Trav.

This video was from Pat's wedding reception. The girls were dancing around a bit. But of course a camera makes them shy.