Saturday, November 24, 2012

What's going on inside my brain...

Months ago I posted and said things might get more real on here as I will use this space for more than journaling (which apparently is not a real word)  about my family.  It's hard to step out of a comfort zone and not worry what others may think.  But then I realized it doesn't matter what anyone else things. I don't care.  And so here it is.  

I believe in growth and change.  I believe people can and are supposed to progress.  And I believe that other people don't always believe that others can change.  Because we all know change can be really hard.  I believe that we all say things that we regret.  We all speak without thinking and I know when I do I am left beating myself up over those stupid things I have said. I worry that perhaps I have offended someone, which is never my intent.  It can be really hard to express my opinions verbally and on the spot.  I like to have time to think things over. And my head is never as clear when I am in a group and don't have time to think about what I want to say.

I believe in striving to be Christ-like.  Unfortunately that concept is foreign to the natural man inside each of us.  That's why I said "striving to be".  The bottom line is we are all human.  And human nature can be selfish and worldly.  Those things are opposite of Christ-like.  Whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not, you know the stories of Him, and what Christ-like means.  Shouldn't we all strive to be like Him?

We all make mistakes. That is how we learn.  I can be overly sensitive.  If you know me, you have seen or experienced that.  I have to remind myself that people often don't mean to be rude or insensitive. You can never know what someone else is going through or thinking.  You can't "walk a mile in their shoes".  So you just have to remember others may not mean to be offensive.  I have been working on not letting myself get easily offended in the past several years.  Because being offended is a choice we make.  It isn't easy. I have a lot of work to do in this area. But I am trying most of the time. I have had to learn to "let things go" and move on.  Often times I can only do that after a lot of effort and prayer.  I tend to dwell on things and I need to write them down to get them out and pray to find peace and closure on things.  I pray for the help and strength to not feel offended because of what someone else has said or done.  Because perhaps they didn't mean to hurt feelings.

Then again, there are people who are mean or miserable because that is just where they are in their life situations at any given time.  (That's okay. This is normal.)  In those instances, we can't know for sure.  It's the whole 'you aren't in their shoes' thing again.  In times where something seems to be done or said out of spite or malice, we still should not take it personally.  We still should pray to overcome our natural instinct to be rude in return, or become defensive. That will only do more damage and the situation will escalate to something that is needless. (I do feel there are times where we need and have the right to defend our actions or positions on things.  This takes wisdom.  You have to be able to use good judgement in defending yourself and your beliefs.)  We should pray for the person who has offended us too.  Pray for them to feel love and kindness and for their situation to get better and easier.  Pray they can find peace and happiness and that they will feel the love needed to not act out of hurt or fear or whatever else is causing the offending behavior.

I know my purpose.  But it can be so easy to let things get in the way and to lose sight of that.  Everyday I am trying to be the best mom and wife.  Those are two things that are the most important to me.  I want to protect and respect my family, my marriage.  But there are a lot of other demands too. Those things get in the way. I want to be a good friend, a good neighbor, a good sister, good PERSON and follower of Christ.  And you know what? Sometimes I fail. I fail a lot. Many nights I lay down knowing I have failed.  But there is comfort knowing that following each night I will have a new day to try again. And again. And again.  And again. And again.  You get the point. Because that is what this earthly experience is all about.  Making mistakes, learning from them, and becoming closer to who we can and are meant to become and who we are to ultimately be.  I have a long way to go.  But I honestly am trying. And I know that is what matters.

Please know if you have been offended by me that I am sorry.  As my husband admitted to me once, he doesn't like to be wrong and guys don't like to admit they are wrong. None of us do.  It is the same for women.  It is hard to admit when we are wrong.  I have been wrong many times.  Pride is an ugly thing and one of those natural instincts we have that we must try to overcome.  And sometimes there isn't a right and wrong (sometimes there clearly is though).  There is always a way to be sensitive to others and have respect for differing views and feelings.  No one person is the same as the next. But we all deserve to feel love and respect and to be treated kindly and as equals.

And those are the things that have been circling around in my mind in recent days.  And if I didn't get them out, I would have driven myself crazy :)  I don't even know that I have been able to express them as clearly as I would have liked, but there's the gist of it.  I feel self-conscious about my ability to articulate my feelings and thoughts and opinions.  I think it has something to do with all my family having their degrees and knowing I never finished mine.  It is so ridiculous, I know.  I have learned so much more that has been useful by being a wife and mom than a degree could give me.  I wouldn't change anything at this point in time. I finished massage school.  I am doing the things that I know are right for me to this point in my life.  That is what matters.  If you don't like what I have to say, you don't have to read this blog. Remember that. We all have choices to make as to how we spend our time and how we react to the opinions of others.