To my first baby

Dear Riley,

I have experienced so many emotions in the 5 years since you made me a mother. It has been a scary, wonderful, exciting ride so far. Just one thing...what makes you think you can go and get so big so fast? STOP IT!

Seriously. You made me the happiest mommy alive when you came to our family. I am so grateful you chose us and that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with your care. That responsibility is HEAVY. I feel the weight of it everyday. Being a mom is not for wimps. However, I have to admit...I am a wimp.

My heart aches for time to slow down. I wish I could rewind and pause things. I wish I could rewind moments over and over again. I want to film it all, so I never forget. I wish I could re-do certain moments, too. So I could be a better mom.

I go to bed praying every night that I can somehow do better and be better. I don't want to let you down and yet I know so often I do. You are my big girl and so I am always expecting so much of you. I am sorry I am hard on you. I hope you can forgive me and know I am trying. I am just a human being like everyone else. I can do better. I will do better. But it is a learning experience for us both and that sort of thing takes time.

There are so many things I hope I can teach you. You are such a sensitive girl. (I know where you get that and I am sorry.) Not that there is anything wrong with being sensitive...but it sure makes it hard. Even the small things seem to hurt in a big way. But you have a good, tender heart. And THAT is NOTHING to apologize for. Perhaps we feel things deeper...and as crummy as that is when it's something tough, when things are good the joy inside is indescribable. (One of my favorite scriptures is 2 Nephi 2:11 We can't know the good without the bad)

Here are some things I really hope I am able to teach you:

Be proud of who you are. Don't let others break you and your spirit

Stay close to your Father in Heaven. He is always there. Speak with Him often.

Gain your own testimony. Don't rely on anyone else's.

Stick to these values: Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Integrity, and Virtue

Study the scriptures. Know them well. In them, you will find much guidance and peace.

Be a kind, loyal friend (and person in general)

Stay close to your sisters. They will be some of your best friends.

Always strive to be and do better.

Believe in yourself. YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

Life is beautiful. And hard. And while there is a lot of crap out there, don't dwell on it. I worry enough for our whole family (that's a mother's job, I guess). Be a positive person. And know you can't control much except for how you handle yourself in all of the situations you will find yourself.

I pray you will make good choices that will enable you to feel great joy. But know that we all make wrong choices and that is a part of our learning and growing process in this mortal life. Those wrong choices are only worth making if you learn from them. So please...learn the lessons the consequences have to offer. Be as smart as you can in your choices. You do not have to be alone in making them.

I want you to know you are so special. I think you're the most. Really I do. Know that when you hurt, I hurt. When you succeed and feel joy, I am feeling that joy too. I hope you know I am here for you always. I am proud of you. It's a big world out there and I want to protect you from it. But that isn't possible. The most I can do is be here for you and teach you to be prepared for life. You are so beautiful. Inside and out.

I love you, my big girl.

Love,

Mommy