Lucy's Letter

I don't know if this is like the other girls' letters...at least I feel like it's different. I have sort of been putting it off, because I am full of many emotions for my baby.

Lucy,

I am trying to savor every moment; every gaze you share, every smile and giggle...

I keep hoping time will slow down- that life will allow me to be lazy (even lazier than I already am) and ignore my housework and other responsibilities.

No matter how much I really am soaking it up, basking in the wonderful-ness of you, my baby...time is flying, the seconds keep slipping away. Sometimes I feel a little guilty because I am very aware of your sisters watching me love and adore you. I have to then tell them, I used to do this with them, too. So they know how much I love them. I just hope that they understand. I love all my girls so much. But there is nothing in the world like a baby. Like your own baby. And babies only stay small for such a brief time. Nothing compares to this. Someday you will know. Someday you will be calling me, crying because your baby is growing and changing too quickly. I know, because I call my mom. I always tell her (and I did with your sisters as well) that you are growing so fast.

I don't mean for this to sound sad. I know this is what is supposed to happen. I know you are supposed to grow and learn and change. But I can't help that my heart is literally breaking. It aches. I can't breathe. The sadness I feel with the passage of time- that reality is suffocating lately. You are so precious. You are so loved. Don't grow up! What if you are my last baby? Can't I keep you that way--a baby? I will never feel satisfied with "no more babies" but I also don't really want more, or can't imagine more at this time. I know we all have limits and I think this might be mine. I want there to be enough of me to go around. Enough of me that you, and your sisters, and your dad all feel like you get enough of me and my time and my love. It's a tricky thing...life. But wonderful, too. Maybe I don't want you to grow up too quickly because the adoration you show me is so evident in those blue eyes of yours. I feel needed and loved more than I ever have before. And I know all too soon, these days will be gone. You won't always NEED me in the sense that you are dependent upon me. (Then I have to get real and remind myself that you don't really need me now, either.) I think I have realized lately that my love language isn't necessarily one of the 5 love languages in the book, but that I need and want to be needed...and no one makes me feel needed more than you, Lucy. And all too soon you will become more and more independent with each passing month...just like your sisters have done. Right now I can make everything right for you. I won't always be able to do that. But being a mom of a baby is so simple. I have the ability to make you feel loved and happy and solve your problems. And I want you to know that when I can't fix things for you in the future, I wish I could. And I will always love you more than you can wrap your mind around. (this is another thing you will understand when you are a mom yourself) Part of me has put off this letter for the last month because it might sound so sad, or like I am depressed. I am not really. I promise. You have brought so much more joy to my life than I already had. I know I am so blessed. I am blessed beyond what I deserve and yet all my selfish self wants is to be able to keep you small longer, forever. I know that our real purpose is to come to this earth and grow and go through many experiences- some that are tough, some that are tougher than you can imagine, and also that we might experience the most amazing, wonderful things that life has to offer. It is not always easy. Most of the time it isn't easy. But it is all good. It is a beautiful thing, to be able to realize that despite trials, the lessons learned are well worth it. I hope you can learn to have that mentality about experiences as you go through your life.

It's hard for me to say much else in this letter. In future letters I am sure I will have many fun things to record about your personality.

Although you do have a big personality already. You are rolling all over the place and I know before long I will blink and you will be crawling and sitting up on your own. You like to squeal and hear the sound of your own voice. I love those baby squeals. You are so willing to share with me those big, gummy grins. My heart bursts with happiness when you look and smile at me. I love that you will find me from across the room and try to keep track of me with your eyes. The way a baby adores their mom is an out-of-this-world kind of feeling. Yes, I am savoring it. Enjoying every minute I can of your babyhood. There are other things that distract me from it of course, but I am able to bring myself back into the moments and soak it up.

You are lucky to have two big sisters who ADORE you. Oh! They won't leave you alone. They won't get out of your face! I am telling you this because sometime in the future, you will do the same thing to them and they will get annoyed and mad-but really they love you. They will be your best friends forever. Even through the times that it doesn't seem that way.

I love you, my baby. Our little "goosey". I'm so happy you are part of our family. So thrilled that words can't really express the happiness.

Love,

Mommy